Heart Family Christmas 2035
Elfie the Elf on the Shelf Garrett: Kids, we have a surprise for you. Come downstairs and look. Santa Claus sent his very special little helper to keep an eye on both of you this holiday season, an elf on the shelf, to make sure you stay on the nice list - including you, Nora. Nora: (sarcastically) An elf on the shelf to spread Christmas joy this holiday season? How exciting. Eliza: Well, what would you like to name her? Nora: Loser. Gabriel: Elfie. Eliza: Then Elfie it is. Nora: "Oh, come on. Elfie is such a babyish name!" Garrett: "Nora, Elfie sounds much nicer than Loser. We're supposed to be keeping the holiday spirit alive." Nora: "Who gives a crap about holiday spirit?!" Eliza: "You do not talk back to your dad that way. We all do care about the holiday spirit, just like you used to when you were little, remember?" presents the Elf on the Shelf adoption certificate Garrett: This Elf adoption certificate hereby decrees that Elfie is now part of our family tradition. Nora: (sarcastically) Oh, joy to the world. Writing Christmas Wish Lists Nora: (typing in her Netbook laptop) Let's see...what I want for Christmas is a silver Lexxus, a double barrel shotgun, a hunting knife, a senior prom gown with matching shoes and accessories, $1000 ebay gift card, 12 cases of red bull, silver heart necklace, $500 Fandango gift card, homecoming mini-dress with matching shoes and accessories, Dickie's Lowrider jacket....a boatload of cold hard cash, Xbox one-s with a huge-ass library of M-Rated games, XBOX one-s accessories, some jewelry, trip to universal studios Hollywood with a private tour, VIP to Cosplay Con, a GoPro, my belly button pierced, a dragon tattoo......oh yeah, an iPhone...and that should do it. Christmas Shopping Baking Christmas cookies December 22: Last Day of School December 23 December 24: Christmas Eve Bye Bye Elfie and the Christmas Eve Box Eliza: Elfie has to go back to the North Pole but she will be back next year. Before she goes, she will leave behind a special Christmas Eve box for you. December 25: Opening Presents on Christmas Day Morning 'Nicole: "At Grandma Janice's house in Nashville Tennessee, the children looked in their stockings and opened presents. Nora received a bunch of coal and a note from Santa, so she threw an overly epic and violent tantrum over it." ' peeks into his stocking Gabriel: "Wow! I got a Trivial Pursuit for Kids DVD game, lotsa candy, Nintendo 2DS XL, Pokemon Ultra Sun game, grinch slime, SpongeBob SquarePants Movie bluray, a Kingdom Hearts 3 Xbox one Game, XBOX gold member pass, a Mario plush, and Pokémon action figures!" opens up his presents Gabriel: "Yay! An Angry Birds plush toy, an XBOX One-s with lots of accessories, a library of video games I can play, SpongeBob SquarePants seasons 1,2 and 3, Harry Potter Wizard chess set, Bop It XT, a snowboard, Star Wars Millennium Falcon and an Apple iPod Touch!" Eliza: "Oh, my goodness! An Amazon Echo Spot! Garret, thank you honey! A Blackberry and a new iPad!" peeks into her stocking and finds huge lumps of coal Nora: "Fuck SANTA! HE MUST fuckING DIE IN AFGHANISTAN DURING A fucking WAR! Damn, damn, damn!!!!" also finds more coal plus a note from Santa saying, "Nora, Elfie the Elf told me that you were a very naughty girl this year. You hurt your little brother Gabriel, tried to kill him, broke his spine, femur, pelvis, humerus, tibia and fibula which put him in the hospital, tortured your father and mother, ruined the occasions, got fired from after-school jobs, got detentions, skipped school to go to the mall, got in trouble with the law, smoked weed, shouted bad words, got kicked out of school. thus you cannot get any presents this year. Signed, Santa" in cursive Nora: "Damn YOU, SANTA!!" (screams at the top of her lungs as she rips up the letter from Santa) Eliza: "Nora Michelle Heart, I do not appreciate that behavior at all. You've been a very bad girl this year, thus you cannot get any presents this year. To make matters worse, you will be grounded for life when we get home and your cell phone will be gone for the rest of the year. You will also go straight to your room and take the lump of coal upstairs with you!" Nora: "GO fuckING DIE IN A fuckING BOMBING MASSACRE IN IRAQ, you horse-banging skank!" kicks the Christmas tree and it falls over Gabriel Gabriel: "SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" Eliza: "Gabriel, are you okay, sweetie?" throws ornaments about, smashes the nativity scene, pulls down the decorations from the wall, throws them into the fireplace resulting in a flash fire, throws the presents out of the window which smashes, and breaks $150,000 worth of items Grandma Janice: "Oh, my word." Garret: "NORA MICHELLE HEART!!! What are you doing now?" Grandma Janice: "You are in very serious trouble missy!!!" Nora: Shut up, you bloody vaginal belch!!! sets the wrapping paper and ornaments on fire causing a flash fire, goes into the kitchen gets out a box of Meow Mix which belongs to her grandmother's pet cat named Perky and spills the Meow Mix everywhere in the living room Grandma Janice: "Nora, stop it immediately or your mother will confiscate all of your favorite items for the rest of the year." Nora: "SHUT THE Hell UP, STUPID Ass!" Grandma Janice: "Oh, dear. I knew I should have gotten the fire-proof ornaments. Perky, look what I have for you, darling." meows curiously peeks into his cat stocking to reveal holiday cat toys (3 sparkle balls, 4 jingle balls, 2 Krinkle balls, catnip toys, 4 plush mice with catnip, a dozen rainbow toy mice, 2 spikey balls, 1 fleecy pom, 2 sporty tennis balls, 2 sponge balls and 2 glitter balls with cat nip), some rubber mice Nora attacks Perky and breaks all of Perky's toys hisses at Nora Nora: "You wanna fight, fucking dipshit? It's on, motherfucker!" (continues attacking Perky, but Eliza stops her) Eliza: "Absolutely not! Don't hurt poor Perky!" (Perky flees in terror as the fire department arrives on the scene followed by the police department) Fire chief: What is going on here?! (Grandma Janice explains the whole situation to the chief while Nora escapes through the front door and drives off in Grandma's red Chevrolet mini van, slamming her foot onto the gas pedal and speeding off) (The fire department manages to put out the fire) Eliza: Oh, thank heavens. Gabriel: Hey, Grandma...isn't that your red car pulling out of the driveway? Looks like Nora took it for a drive. Grandma Janice: My red Chevrolet mini van?! Oh, my goodness! Where have Nora taken my mini van? (by the time the reach the driveway, the mini van is already long gone.......15 miles) December 26 Eliza: Have they found Nora yet? (Perky meows) Grandma Janice: Poor Perky. 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